Correcting one another in love!

By Deacon Lucio Caruso

September 6

There was an alcoholic who refused to admit that he had a problem. When those closest to him spoke to him individually of their concern for him, he told them he did not have a problem and that he was fine. He was in denial. But those closest to him, being concerned for his welfare, knew they had to do something. They realized they would have to somehow make him understand the reality of his illness and addiction. They decided they would have to confront him together instead of talking to him individually. So they arranged a surprise meeting with him and together they all confronted him with the situation of his life. It worked; he admitted his problem and agreed to get help and joined AA.

This situation which I know has happened in families reminds me of the advice in this weekend’s Gospel on two types of brotherly correction, firstly in private one-on-one and secondly, if that fails, with some others:

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.

If such correction is not done in love, then it can become a form of violence. Correction done in violence is unfortunately the type of correction that children sometimes do, calling each other names and punching each other. Giving correction in love is what parents do, what teachers do, and how friends help friends. The Second reading from Paul’s letter to the Romans, states:

Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law…You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no evil to the neighbor; hence, love is the fulfillment of the law.

Sometimes, it’s easier to not carry out loving correction, as we may be afraid to confront or try to avoid conflict at any cost. Worse, we may even be tempted instead to gossip. Cardinal Schönborn, in his book, My Jesus: Encountering Christ in the Gospel, writes of this so well. I quote a part that really hit home with me.

We talk with everyone we can about the faults of the other person, just not with that person himself. This “backbiting” is almost a national pastime for us. The person affected is often the last to find out that his faults are being discussed…Gossiping is unmerciful.

Instead, the solution proposed to the Church in the Gospel today requires much more maturity. It was also a tried solution, going back to the prophet Ezekiel in this weekend’s First reading. The words of the prophet are challenging indeed:

You, son of man, I have appointed watchman for the house of Israel; when you hear me say anything, you shall warn them for me. If I tell the wicked man that he shall surely die, and you do not speak out to dissuade the wicked man from his way, he (the wicked man) shall die for his guilt, but I will hold you responsible for his death

Even excommunication is a last resort in the Church, intended not so much to punish, but motivate someone to change and repent.

Let me pose another question: how have you reacted when you receive loving correction from a friend, spouse, or boss? Is the Lord able to get through to you from them? As hard as it is to give correction, it may be harder to receive it. I know when my wife lovingly corrects me, I initially get very defensive. But I know she is not nagging me, but wanting my very best and for me to grow more and more into the person God wants me to become. She tries to get me to listen more and talk less. I am working on that!

So, for this week’s spiritual reflection homework, ponder the questions and suggestion below…

1.) Think of a time when you had to confront someone, perhaps a child of yours or a close friend, in a spirit of love and care. What was that like for you? How did it go? Has it helped them in the long run!

2.) Was there an occasion when you had to receive correction? How did you react? Looking back, are you grateful now for the courage it took for that person to correct you? How has it made a difference in your life to this day?

3.) In your prayer this week, ask God if there is someone the Lord needs you to reach out and gently correct or challenge in a spirit of care, concern, gentleness, and compassion? Pray for the grace to do so in a constructive way.